Her Great Matter
by Ultrahotpink
Summary: Set after Series One Episode Three. Lady Mary finds herself in a troubling predicament after her evening with Pamuk...
1. Chapter 1

_I've had this story in my head for a while now, and have been writing it since January. I wondered what would happen if circumstances had turned out differently for Mary after her encounter with Pamuk. This is set two months after S01E03. _

_This is my second Downton Abbey Fan Fiction, but my first foray into multi-chaptered for DA, so any feedback would be greatly appreciated! Even writing a sentance or two in response would be wonderful!_

_I'd like to thank everyone for all of the comments/favourites/ and PM's on my first DA story Lady Sybil's Ball. Every one of them meant the world to me!_

_I'd like to thank Orangeshipper for all of her encouragement, support and editing. I could not have posted this without her!_

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><p>Chapter One<p>

Lady Mary was in trouble. She had known that she was in trouble from the second she found Kamal Pamuk in her bedroom. But this was something else entirely. Something wasn't right. It hadn't been right for a few months and she had missed her monthly courses twice now. At first she hadn't thought anything of it. Perhaps it was a blessing in disguise, she had thought naively. But now that it hadn't come for the second month in a row, now she knew that something was up. She had gone up to York earlier in the day under the guise of shopping but had found a doctor who'd examined her and confirmed her suspicions.

How could she have been so foolish, so reckless with her virtue, with her family's honor! She'd given everything up to an attractive dandy who'd forced his way into her bedroom and then had the bad manners to die as it was all going on. And now, he was dead and she would be ruined. Left alone in the world, forced to raise their bastard. Alone. Well perhaps not alone. Papa would most likely put her up in a house somewhere with an allowance. Perhaps her mother would visit occasionally. Oh God, she'd have to tell her parents. She couldn't put it off for long surely. How long would it be until she started to show? Not more than two or three months if she was lucky. She could never make a good match now. Her life as she knew it was quite over. And what of her sisters prospects? Even though Edith hadn't really had a decent shot at a good match, what of darling Sybil? Who would want to marry the sister of a fallen woman? God, she couldn't think about this any longer, she had to go and do something to drive this out of her head for a little bit. She went to her wardrobe and quickly got out her riding clothes attempting to disrobe before finally calling Anna to help her. Anna came within a few minutes.

"Good, you're here. I'm going riding. I need you to help me off with this wretched dress." Mary knew that she was being brisk with Anna but she needed to leave as soon as she could. Anna began taking off Lady Mary's blue suit as quickly as she could, leaving the blouse on she had been wearing.

"Is something troubling you my lady?" Mary looked at her with a brief flash of panic before attempting to compose herself. Anna moved to place the black skirt over her head.

"I'm alright Anna, you needn't worry." Anna knew that this was Lady Mary code for change the subject.

"How was York, did you find any new dresses?" Mary looked almost hurt by the question.

"No new dresses. I'm afraid there wasn't anything for me there." Anna couldn't help but feel that there was a double meaning to what Lady Mary was saying. Something hadn't been right with Lady Mary since Mr. Pamuk died. She couldn't bite her tongue any longer.

"Perhaps you went for another reason?" Anna saw any color left drain almost instantly from Lady Mary's porcelain face. Anna continued, "I know you're not alright my lady, but I won't force anything from you. I'm here if you need me." Anna helped her on with her jacket.

Mary looked at her maid, her confidant, her only friend if she were truly honest with herself. She knew that she could trust her. Only, she needed time to process. "Thank you Anna. I know." Mary briefly took her maid's hand in hers before Anna put her riding hat on her.

"All set for a ride my lady. Will there be anything else?"

"No thank you Anna. I appreciate your help. If it looks like I won't be back in time to dress, do make my excuses to Mama and tell her that I'll be home as soon as I can."

"Very good my lady, I will." With that Mary left the room.

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><p>Lynch had been surprised to see her but managed to get Diamond ready very quickly. Once Mary was on the horse, she found herself riding along the same path that was used for the hunt two months earlier. She wanted to relive the ride where it had all gone wrong. She got to the bridge, the place where she had decided to follow him over the jump. Where she had begun shamelessly flirting with Kamal Pamuk. The man whose child she now carried. Mary shook the reigns forcing Diamond to move harder and faster than she had ever dared allow herself. She wanted to take her anguish away. Her worries and cares. Perhaps she might be thrown from the horse and have a … no she couldn't wish for that. But perhaps the motion might cause something to happen. Mary felt hot tears begin to run down her face uncontrollably; so much so that it began to obscure her vision. She held the reins and brought Diamond to a halt. She slid down her horse using her arms to help her and suddenly and uncontrollably she let the sobs shake through her body. She cried of course, but rarely did she allow herself to sob. She was in trouble, and no amount of wishing was going to get her out of this. Everything was ruined and she had no one to blame but her own shameless behavior.<p>

She heard a rustling nearby followed by a voice "Hello, is someone there?" She gasped as she recognised who the voice belonged to. Dear Lord, couldn't it have been anyone but him? They had become almost, well not friends. But there had been something very friendly about their interaction recently, almost as if … he saw her. It was ridiculous, since they hardly knew each other. But still, there was something there. She must forget it. There could be nothing now. She heard him come closer. "Is everything alright?" she heard him ask again. She attempted to quiet her sobs, but it was no use he was coming this way. Mary attempted to hurriedly dry her eyes with the sleeve of her jacket, wishing that it would stop the flow of tears from her eyes. She had moments to compose herself before Matthew came into view.

Matthew appeared from behind a cluster of trees. "Cousin Mary?" He said surprised to see her. He quickly saw that she had been crying. "Goodness, are you alright?"

Mary tried to put of her best smile for him "Yes, perfectly. I have something in my eye." Matthew still looked concerned. She continued "I'm fine. Cousin Matthew, please don't let it trouble you. Are you on your way to see Papa?" She knew that she wasn't convincing him.

"Yes, I just wanted to see if he would like to go for a..." He stopped and looked at her more carefully. "You're not fine." He said moving closer to her. "Can I help?" He was so genuine and kind. Mary couldn't control herself any longer and burst into tears again. His hand moved to her arm instinctively to comfort her. She let him. She would never admit it but she needed someone in that moment. But she didn't want to burden him.

"Please you needn't feel obligated to comfort me. I'll be alright." Mary tried to choke out between sobs.

"Clearly you are not alright. It's no trouble for me at all really. I can't bear to see you distressed." Matthew said gazing down on her.

Mary met his stare, tears still running down her face. All at once she saw the spark of something in his eyes. A recognition of something. She didn't know what that something was, but it scared her.

"Please, tell me what I can do for you?" Matthew said earnestly.

"There's nothing that anyone can do now. Oh, how I wish that there was!" She attempted to draw away from him but he held her firmly by the shoulders.

"Please, tell me what it is. I will do whatever I can…" Matthew started to say. He noticed what little colour she had had faded and her eyes began to flutter.

Suddenly there was a feeling on her chest, as if someone was sitting on it. She felt her breath quicken and suddenly she felt everything begin to go black. The last thing she heard and felt as she lost consciousness was Matthew's cries of her name and his arms sweeping her up as her world went dark.

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><p><em>Well, that's the end of the first chapter! Please take a moment and review! You don't know how much it would make my day!<em>


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N Thank you all so much for the alerts and reviews! I am very touched by the response to this story so far. I was very surprised that a fan fiction like this hasn't really been attempted before, but I am very glad to get the chance to write it! I would love to have more feedback, so please take a moment to review! I hope you enjoy the second chapter!_

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><p>Chapter Two<p>

Matthew didn't know how far he had carried Mary, or how he had even managed it before the house came into view. He had to get her somewhere safe. What on earth had brought this on? He had never seen her, or anyone else for that matter so distressed. What could be troubling her so? Was it 'The Great Matter'? At least he could feel that she was breathing, though she was still out cold. He hoped that she wasn't ill. But truly what could have been so bad that she could have worked herself up in such a state? Was everyone alright up at the house? When he reached the front door he opened it without ringing the bell and Lord Grantham came out of the study to see Matthew taking Mary inside. There was immediate concern on his face.

"Good Lord, what's happened?" The Earl exclaimed at the sight of his oldest daughter. Cora heard her husband's exclamation and sprung into action.

"Let's take her upstairs to her room. Can you manage?" She said to Matthew. He nodded waiting for Cora to lead the way. In the several months since he came to Downton he wasn't sure where the family rooms were exactly. He followed Cora up the stairs and then followed her right down the corridor and then left to a door squarely in the centre. Cora opened the door to the bedroom and Matthew gently placed Mary on the bed as Cora rang the bell. "What happened?"

"I hardly know." He said still stunned. "I came upon her, and we were speaking, she was … distressed. Then suddenly she fainted. Luckily I caught her, although her horse is still tied to a tree down by the bridge." Matthew purposely left out the part of Mary crying. He didn't want to upset the family any more than what they already would be.

"Blasted corsets." Cora said under her breath but remembering that Matthew was still in the room. "I can't thank you enough for carrying her home." Anna came into the room and gasped. "Oh good Anna. Please help me undress Lady Mary. She needs all the breathing space she can get!" She noticed that Matthew was still standing there somewhat stunned. "Matthew would you mind going downstairs and explaining to his lordship about what happened? I'm sure he'll be most anxious."

Matthew stood there for a moment but finally snapped out of his trance "Of course. I shall try to be as helpful as I can." With that Matthew left the room.

Cora and Anna gave a look to each other as if thinking the same thought at the same time. Perhaps they weren't rid of the late Mr. Pamuk after all.

A few hours later, Mary awoke in her bed. She had no recollection how she had gotten there. Only a faint … She recalled going riding and then having to stop because of herself. She remembered Cousin Matthew coming upon her in her distressed state and trying to help her and then … darkness. She must have fainted. Only how had she gotten back? Matthew. It must have been. Had he carried her all that way? She must have been a mile from the house when he encountered her. What had he been doing there anyway? Mary's thoughts were interrupted by the appearance of her mother.

"Oh, thank goodness you're awake darling! We were all quite worried." Cora came over to the bed to sit down. "You've been out for a few hours. What happened dear?"

"I'm perfectly alright Mama." Mary tried to be as convincing as she could. She never could fool her Mother.

"Doctor Clarkson has come and gone again. He diagnosed your ailment as a 'Feminine fashion casualty'."

Mary thanked god that Clarkson was rather dim. "Quite right, I'm sure that's it." She avoided her Mother's gaze.

"You're still looking very pale." Cora stated.

"I'm a lady, I'm supposed to be pale." Mary responded.

"I've noticed you haven't been eating as much." Cora persisted. She wasn't going to be put off by her daughter's flippant remarks.

"I'm trying to slim down for the upcoming season." Mary's excuses were feeble, and she knew it.

"Please dear, let's not pretend any longer." Cora began to shift uncomfortably but finally asked. "Tell me, is there a chance you might be pregnant?" Mary's eyes met her mothers and she looked away. Cora's heart sank. Mary's silence confirmed her suspicions.

Mary let the tears come down again, this time in silence. Cora observed her daughter's misery. She was disappointed in what her eldest had done and the scandal it might well bring down on the family. But to see her darling child crying so miserably… in spite of her anger at the situation, Cora took Mary in her arms, curling up beside her on the bed as she often had when Mary was young. She held her through the tears and stroked her dark brown hair tenderly, attempting to soothe the tears. Eventually they calmed enough for Mary to speak again. Mary shifted in her mother's arms and turned to her.

"What am I to do Mama?" Despite the very grown up problem she was facing there was something very reminiscent of her childhood in asking her mother what to do while she held her.

"I suppose you'll have to go away for a while until you have the child." It was a solution.

"And then what will happen?"

"You will give birth to the child, and we will help to find a good home for it. Then you'll come home and live as before." Mary looked at her mother with a hurt expression. Cora continued. "I suppose you could keep it, but it would mean never coming back to Downton. We would help you of course, but your life would be very different." Cora knew that Mary's life was going to be different no matter what she chose. Having a child would change her forever. Even if the child wasn't physically in her life, it would always be there in the back of her mind. Cora knew there could be another option. "Or you could find a man who would marry you as you are. With a little money, we could even perhaps entice a gentleman or someone wanting to move up the social ladder to take you. Perhaps even Matthew …" Mary shook her head furiously.

"No, I couldn't." She couldn't stand thought of forcing someone else to bear her shame.

"I thought you and Matthew were friendlier now."

"Friendlier, perhaps. He's hardly offered for me." Mary was trying to work it through her head but came to the same conclusion as before. "And anyway I couldn't."

"It wouldn't be the first time that a woman married because she had to. He may not be the father," Cora considered carefully. "But there is certainly something between you both."

"Whatever we had or didn't doesn't matter anymore. I won't deceive him into a marriage with a harlot carrying another man's child. He's too good for that."

"He's been waiting for hours to see how you are. He cares for you Mary." Mary shook her head at the impossibility of it all.

"I'd have to tell him everything. What man in his right mind would take me? Let alone... It's easier for everyone if I go away. Then he," Mary caught herself. "No one ever has to know." Cora could see that she was tired and talking wasn't getting them anywhere.

"You've had a difficult day. Rest. You have some big decisions to make shortly." She kissed Mary on the cheek, and smoothed her hair. "I'll have some supper sent up."

"I'm not hungry-"

"It's not for you." Cora paused before continuing. "Nothing will ever be about just you again dearest." This phrase seemed to strike Mary hard. Cora turned about to leave the room but was stopped by her daughters voice.

"Please, delay telling Papa for as long as you can. I know it won't be long, but I should like to make my decision before he hits the roof." Cora nodded to Mary as she left the room. Her mother knew now. At least that part was over. She supposed that she was right. Her life would no longer be her own. How very grown up she felt. What about her father? No doubt he would be angry and then disappointed with her but surely he'd come round. Wouldn't he? And her sisters, would they tell them? Surely they would figure it out if she didn't come back. Wouldn't Edith be pleased to have her out of the way. Then she could go on more church visits with Cousin Matthew. She couldn't think of that now. She had to consider her options now, however limited they might be.

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><p>Matthew was alone in the great hall pacing back and forth. Robert had offered to keep him company after the dressing gong rang but Matthew wouldn't hear of it. And so, he was alone with his thoughts. He knew it hadn't been appropriate to offer such comfort to a woman who wasn't his betrothed, however distressed Mary might have been, but he didn't care. She had needed someone, even if she hadn't realised it. When he approached the noises he heard from the road, he would never have guessed that the great sobbing mess he found could ever be Mary. She was the most fearless person he knew, well apart from his Mother, and Cousin Violet. If Mary was that earnestly in distress, she must really be in some sort of serious trouble. What kind of trouble could she possibly be in? He saw Cora coming down the stairs and he approached her.<p>

"How is she?" He spoke a little too eagerly.

"She's awake now, but very tired. Dr. Clarkson says she'll be alright." Cora's heart almost broke for Mary as she noted Matthew's concerned demeanor. The dear boy clearly loved her. He'd been pining after her since before the hunt. What a mess everything had become.

"I'm very glad that she's alright. She gave me quite a scare when she fainted." Scare was an understatement for Matthew. His heart had sunk when he saw her drop.

"I shudder to think of what might have happened if you weren't there. You're quite my hero." Matthew tried to brush off her statement with a wave of his hand, but she continued. "It's perfectly true. Now it must be rather late. Would you care for some supper?"

"Thank you Cousin Cora, but I'm afraid I must be getting back home. I was in the middle of working when I needed a distraction."

"Well you've certainly had that. You and your mother must come up for supper in a day or two when Mary is feeling a little better, so that she can thank you."

"I certainly don't need to be thanked, but I should like to come up for dinner, if for nothing but to see how Mary is." Cora moved towards the cord to ring for Carson, but Mathew stopped her.

"No need. I'll see myself out."

"I'll send word about dinner then. Good Night Matthew."

"Good Night."

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><p><em>There it is! If you have a moment, please review. I love feedback!<em>


	3. Chapter 3

_Disclaimer: I don't own Downton Abbey or its wonderful inhabitants. I only wish I did. No copyright infringement is intended. _

_A/N: I want to thank you all for the overwhelming support of my little story so far! I can't believe the response so far, so thank you very much. I also have to thank Orangeshipper once again for her amazing editing skills!__I apologize for the lapse in time between updates, but you know, real life *sigh*.I also apologize for the shortness of the chapter but I'm afraid I had to separate the chapter into two to make it more coherent. I promise that I will update the next chapter much sooner, as the bulk of it is already written! Thanks for continuing to read! Please take a moment to review if you have the time. Enjoy!_

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><p>When Matthew saw Mary again a few nights later, he could scarcely say she looked any better. She was still very pale. He kept trying to catch her gaze in the drawing room before dinner to no avail. She kept her gaze down never venturing to look up for a moment. When he had made up his mind to go over and talk to her Carson came in and announced that dinner was served. He had hoped to ascertain how she was before dinner had begun, but he found that he didn't need to ask. He observed her throughout dinner and found that she was barely touching the food in front of her. Mrs. Patmore's rolled mutton joint with capers and anchovies were delicious, but it almost looked as though it disgusted Mary. He wondered if she was very unwell still. When the dessert, Crepe Suzette, arrived he found that she was forced to excuse herself. Clearly she was still not feeling well. Why was it that no one around her appeared to notice? Why had they allowed her to come down if she was this ill? Matthew felt a sudden surge of anger at Lord and Lady Grantham for not taking proper care of her. It was a ridiculous feeling of course. Mary was a grown woman after all. And what right did he have to care?<p>

Mary re-appeared after a few moments, just before the ladies were about to go through. Matthew finally managed to catch her eye and mouthed "Are you feeling alright?" He could see that she paused before attempting to give her best reassuring smile to him as she nodded. He wasn't convinced. He tried to convince Robert in an indirect way that they should go through, but Robert had said that he was enjoying the solace of some time without other ladies present. Matthew did his best to appear animated throughout their time together, however when they did go through he found himself walking at an almost ungentlemanly like pace to the drawing room. When he went in he scanned around the room attempting to search out Mary. She wasn't there.

Matthew walked over to his mother. "Where's Mary?" He found himself asking her.

"She wasn't looking well, so Cora sent her to bed."

"I was rather hoping to ask her how she was. I haven't seen her since, well since I carried her here the other day."

"I'm sure you'll have another opportunity." His mother said, putting a reassuring hand on his arm.

"Yes, Matthew said as he sheepishly looked at his shoes. "Of course I will." Matthew put on his best smile and moved to sit beside Sybil who was engaged in a rather spirited conversation about the vote with the Dowager.

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><p>"Robert please! Let's go back to our room and speak about this privately!" Cora pleaded while walking in the corridor next to their daughter's bedrooms. Cora attempted to catch him before he made a motion for the door handle of his eldest daughter's bedroom.<p>

"How dare you!" Lord Grantham yelled in the direction of his daughter as he burst into her bedroom.

Mary sat up quickly in bed startled. She hadn't been asleep, but she certainly hadn't been expecting her father to come barging in her room in the middle of the night. She clutched her blanket a little higher as though it afforded some extra protection against her father's anger.

Robert had asked his wife if Mary had been feeling alright in bed after the dinner with Matthew and Isobel. Cora had wanted to pick the right moment to tell her husband what was happening, but then, well, she supposed that there would never be the right moment for this conversation.

"Keep your voice down darling. We don't want the servants- " Cora made sure that the door was closed at the very least.

He ignored her. "Never mind that you've thoughtlessly chosen to drag your own name through the mud, of which it may well or not be, but what of your sisters? Does it trouble you that you might have severely damaged their marital prospects?"

"Papa-" Mary began. She didn't know what to say. She clutched her blanket tighter.

"The irreparable damage you've caused your poor mother by burdening her with this situation-"

"Really Robert I hardly think-" Cora found herself cut off.

"Not to mention the damage you may have done to the family as a whole. The sheer and utter scandal that you've brought down on our heads! How could you? How could you Mary?"

Mary dropped her blanket and put her head in her hands attempting to dry her tears. "I'm sorry Papa!" Mary exclaimed, tears streaming down her face.

"Robert, that's enough. Can't you see she's very distraught?" Cora went to put her arm around her sobbing child.

"She ought to be distraught at the prospect of ruin hanging over our heads. She ought to feel something resembling remorse for the trouble she's caused the members of her family!" Robert turned away from them both.

"Don't you think that she isn't already punishing herself? She knows that she's made a mistake. One that, need I remind you, she'll spend the rest of her life paying for. Isn't that enough?" Cora yelled at her husband's back.

Robert turned his back to his wife and daughter in a moment of contemplation. "She leaves in the morning." He decided.

"Really Robert it's hardly as urgent as all of that. Won't it look more suspicious if she suddenly goes away with no explanation? We need to be smart about this darling. Can't you see that?"

"I know I've disappointed you Papa-" Mary began finally finding the courage to speak.

"Disappointed? Disappointment doesn't begin to explain my feelings for the situation before us! How could you let this happen?"

"Robert!"

"He came to my room and I asked him to leave. He wouldn't go and, I don't know. Before I knew it we were… It all happened so fast I hardly know what, or how it happened. I knew generally what was happening, but all of the mechanics of it… He told me it would be safe!" Mary sobbed but shook her head, and continued. "There is really no excuse I can give you, except my own ignorance and stupidity."

"How could you not know that this could come?" Surely she had had some idea Robert thought to himself.

"Because I'm a woman and I'm not meant to know of such things. Isn't that what men believe? Oh I've read novels that imply such consequences but we're left to interpret the rest. While you all go around sowing your wild oats, we women live in ignorance of matters that affects us greatly."

"So if you would have known more, you would have made more of an informed decision, is that it?" Robert retorted back.

"That's enough both of you!" Cora finally yelled over them. They stopped and both looked at Cora aghast. "Well now that I have your attention I think we need to calm down and discuss a plan. Mary has been thinking and she has made a decision about what she would like to do."

Mary gently touched the blanket before her trying to think of what to say. She had a plan, or at least part of a plan. She could make the rest of her decision after the baby came. She was figuring out how to begin when…

"Well?" Robert exclaimed at his daughter.

She paused before beginning. "You're right of course Papa, I must go away. It's the only hope we have of possibly avoiding scandal so, I've decided to leave to have the baby and then… I'm not sure. I will decide what is right when the child comes. In the mean time I will tell people that I am going to visit relatives in America, regardless of where I go. It gives a plausible excuse of why I might disappear for so long."

"You needn't go-"

"Of course she must go Robert-"

"I mean," Robert appeared to be softening by the second at the prospect of one of his children going away, "You needn't go as far as America if you wish. I own a small house near Keswick. You can stay there while… while it's all going on. I know it would grieve your Mama to be so far away from you." Mary's eyes began to well up at the prospect of not being sent so very far away. "It would grieve me too." He said sitting on the bed beside her. "I'm sorry for the yelling. Your mother is right. If we're smart about this, no one need ever hear about it. And in less than a year you could be back at home with us."

"What if I," Mary paused before continuing. "That is, what if I choose to stay with the baby? What will happen to me then?" Mary looked at her father with an almost childlike innocence.

Robert moved closer to her placing a hand on her shoulder. "Well now. Why don't we cross that bridge if we come to it?"

"I'm frightened, I'm so afraid of what will become of me." Mary said shedding another tear.

"Now you listen to me Mary," Cora began. "You're going to be a mother which in itself is a terrifying prospect. So from this day forward, you need to be strong, both for yourself and for the baby. You're a Crawley after all. And so is the baby."

"Oh Mama," Mary exhaled into her mother's shoulder. She heard her father speak again.

"You should know that regardless of what becomes of him or her, you will always have your family to support you." Mary didn't say anything as Robert took her into his arms and hugged her as if it might be the last for a while. Cora's heart warmed at the sight. She had never doubted that she had married a good man. She could only hope that Mary could find the same.

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><p><em>AN: Hope it was worth the wait! Please take a moment to review if you have the time! I really value your feedback! _


	4. Chapter 4

_Disclaimer: I don't own Downton Abbey or its wonderful inhabitants. I only wish I did. No copyright infringement is intended._

_A/N: I am sorry for the delay in an update. I know I promised an update sooner but life has an unfortunate habit of getting in the way of what you want! Thank you to everyone who took the time to review/favorite/alert the last chapter! I am so grateful for the support and encouragement! As always I'm grateful to Orangeshipper for her always amazing blend of proofreading and gentle persuasion! Enjoy!_

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><p>Chapter 4<p>

Matthew had decided to go and see Mary a few days later during his 'weekend'. He went up to the Abbey under the guise of returning a book and was greeted warmly by Robert who invited him into the library.

"It's quite a lovely day." Matthew said while updating the ledger Lord Grantham used for his Library. He noticed that Mary had chosen to sign out Tess of the D'Urbervilles only that morning. Was Mary still feeling down from before? He wanted to find out more information. "What are the ladies up to today?" Matthew asked Robert.

"Cora, Edith and Sybil have taken themselves to tea at Mama's." Robert looked up from the letter he had been composing.

"And Mary?" Matthew inquired.

"She…" Robert paused and put down his pen. Matthew could see the faintest trace of a frown before he continued. "Is around somewhere I imagine. She didn't quite feel up to a visit with my mother."

Matthew smiled briefly knowing what a visit with Cousin Violet could be like. He continued. "I wondered if she was feeling better from the other day. I hate to admit it, but she looked truly unwell still."

"Yes…" Robert paused as if searching for the right words. "Cora and I have noticed that she hasn't been herself lately so we're sending her to stay with her Grandmother."

"In America?" Matthew said utterly shocked. How could they possibly send her away?

"Cora thinks that she needs a change in scenery. Six months or so away should be an adventure for her." Matthew heard the words that Robert was saying but was entirely surprised by them.

"Six months." Matthew managed to get out. "Goodness, that's quite a long time for Mary to be away." He was trying hard not to hide his disappointment. He looked up to Robert to find the older man's face filled with sadness. "You'll miss her tremendously, of course."

Robert hesitated briefly and then as though shaking whatever it was off spoke, "Of course." There was something Robert wasn't saying. He almost sounded as if he was convincing himself. Robert looked up at him. "I daresay you're quite shocked, but, it's only for a while, unless of course she decides to stay on."

"Do you think she will?" Mathew said a little too quickly.

"Who knows?" Robert said sadly. Matthew could see that it was distressing Robert to talk about the subject any longer.

"Well, it's a lovely day, and as long as I was coming up to return your book, I thought I might take myself off for a walk around the estate. See what I've retained from our time together."

Robert nodded. "I have some pressing business otherwise I'd join you." Robert picked up his pen again.

"It's quite alright. I'll be perfectly fine on my own."

"Carson will see you out I'm sure." Robert began writing his letter again as Matthew walked out of the room.

Matthew exited the study to see that Carson had anticipated his short stay in the house.

"Ah Carson, do you know perhaps where Lady Mary might be?"

He saw Carson raise an eyebrow slightly in hesitation, but he soon began, "She left half an hour ago. I think she may have been headed south of here. Towards one of the follies, I should imagine."

"Thank you Carson. You've been most helpful." Matthew took himself off in the same direction.

"Certainly sir." Carson replied.

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><p>Mary attempted once more to read her book. Tess of the D'ubervilles was one she had read and knew was very fitting to her situation. At least Mary had a family who could afford to send her away, unlike Tess. She heard a noise and looked up. Matthew. She looked back down at the page and pretended not to have noticed him. She had been avoiding being alone with him, but it was inevitable that he should try and speak with her after what had happened. She could see his concern written all over his face the other night at dinner. Indeed she could feel his gaze upon her nearly the entire night. How could it be that the gaze of a man she had initially loathed could make her feel so warm? The slight thrill that rose up in her as he came towards her. Mary shook her head. She had to forget that all now. There was no use in speculating about feelings for a future that could never be. She knew she'd have to be strong.<p>

"Hello." Matthew said brightly. "I'd thought I'd find you here."

"Did you? Well, here I am." Mary continued to pretend to read her book. Perhaps he would take the hint.

Matthew looked at the spine of her book. "Tess of the D'urbervilles, yes I saw that you'd signed it out. How are you getting on with it?"

"Not very well, now apparently." Mary closed her book with a sigh.

"I'm sorry, have I done something to offend?" He knew that he had interrupted her solitude but lately she didn't seem to be opposed to that sort of thing.

Mary softened her hard gaze. No, she couldn't play the cold Mary to him after all. She shook her head. "No. I'm just feeling a little tired. I had hoped to have some time for myself."

Matthew shifted uncomfortably. "I suppose I should leave you alone then."

"It's alright" Mary spoke up. "Stay if you like. I'm just not sure what kind of company I would be right now."

"Are you feeling any better?" He might as well get the question he had wanted to know for days over and done with.

"Perhaps a little" There was a little relief that Mary was feeling.

"We, ah, didn't have a chance to talk the other night. About what happened the day you fainted."

"What is there to say? I'm afraid Anna laced my corset up too tight that day, and I already was feeling a bit under the weather. Really, I'm dreadfully embarrassed about the whole thing."

"I see." Matthew stopped and looked at her properly and looked down. She could tell he was skeptical. "And that's all of it, is it?"

"Yes." There was a reassuring smile that Matthew had known to sometimes signal the opposite.

"Were you," Matthew paused to rephrase the question. "Have you been avoiding me?" There, he had said it.

Mary thought for a moment before answering. "Perhaps a little." There, she had admitted it.

"I see. " Matthew said "Your Father told me about your trip."

Mary's heart sank. Just precisely what had Papa told Matthew? "Oh yes?"

"It does seem rather sudden doesn't it? You still don't look well."

Of course I don't look well, she thought. "The change will do me good."

Matthew kept pressing. "There was something though, in his, manner about your going away."

"Oh? I can't imagine what you mean." She wished he would drop the topic. "Papa will miss me, perhaps." Please let him drop this. She didn't know if she could hold him off for much longer.

'I don't think that was it, although I'm sure he'll miss you. No he almost looked…"

"Looked like what?" Mary snapped. Did he know? If he did then he should have the decency to come out with it.

Matthew was taken aback by her snapping, but continued. "Well, he almost looked, wounded by it. As though his feelings were hurt by you leaving." He saw her move uncomfortably and shift her gaze. Finally he had stuck a chord with her.

"Leave it alone Matthew."

Matthew wouldn't be deterred. "Why have you chosen to go away Mary?"

"You say it as though I have a choice."

"Then why are you leaving?" Clearly there was more behind her reason for leaving. He wanted to, no, needed to know.

"You couldn't possibly comprehend."

"Then help me to understand it!" he exclaimed in frustration. Really she was the most perplexing woman he had ever met!

"I'm not going away! I'm being sent away!" She said and quickly covered her mouth, wondering if she had said too much.

"Sent away? What do you mean?" He didn't understand what on earth she could have done.

"Oh Matthew, why do parents usually send their unmarried daughters away?" How could she be losing this much control over her words?

"I'm afraid I don't see." He looked at her with an expression of confusion.

"Of course you don't see Matthew. It's better that way. I've said too much as it is. At any rate I should head back to change for dinner." Mary moved to walk past him.

"Mary please don't be cross. I shouldn't have pressed it." He paused as if attempting to find the precise words. "I only want to know you're alright."

There was such a genuine concern in his voice it stopped Mary's movement and softened her hardened heart. He cared for her. He hadn't said it in so many words but, well, he was the sort of person who wore their heart out for everyone to see. However annoyed she had been, she didn't want them to part in anger. She wanted him to remember her fondly.

"I'm sorry I lost my temper. Goodness knows you don't deserve it." Mary admitted.

"No, you have every right to be upset. I'm afraid I haven't been much of a gentleman just now."

"It doesn't matter. Let's just leave it and part as friends. Could we do that?"

Matthew resigned himself. There would be no getting anything out of Mary in this state. There would be time for it later. Unless she never came back. His heart clenched at the prospect. "Of course Mary. I will always be your friend." Matthew felt in that moment as if he'd almost told a lie. As if, he could never truly be her friend because, he had wanted so much more. And now that she was going away…

He saw Mary smile, pick up her book and turn to go away. Mary could feel herself about to blub and she didn't want to lose face in front of him.

Without thinking Matthew uttered "If we're to part as friends then should we not shake hands?" It was something that male friends did when they parted so he thought why not?

Mary paused briefly to collect herself and turned to walk towards him. He extended his hand and felt her hand slip into it slowly. It had felt so right having her near him. His thumb brushed across her hand tenderly. She looked up into his eyes. Matthew felt his gaze shift to her lips and wondered what it might be like to kiss her. All he'd have to do is lean his head down and brush his lips against hers. Matthew's gaze shifted back towards her eyes trying to assess whether or not this would be welcome. He saw a spark there. He moved his head slightly towards her just as she removed her hand and stepped back. The moment was broken.

"Goodbye, Cousin Matthew." She said invoking his pervious name as a way to further distance them.

"Goodbye Mary." Matthew said as she turned and walked away. He was feeling disappointed at the loss of her hand. At the lost opportunity to kiss her. At the loss of her from his life. For the present only, he hoped.

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><p>It had been a narrow escape for her there, in more ways than one, Mary thought as she hurried back to the house. How could she be so foolish as to come so close to revealing her secret to him? Not only that but when he wanted to shake hands with her, she knew that she had been flirting with something she shouldn't. With him. When she looked into his eyes she knew immediately how he felt. And how she had felt in return. When she saw his head move ever so slightly towards her she drew away, breaking the contact and the moment at once. It could never be she thought sadly. This kind, wonderful man, could never love her now. Not with everything she knew and he didn't. Mary breezed through the front doors and went up to her room. She saw Anna in her room laying out her red evening gown. Then same one she had worn…<p>

"Anna, I'm afraid you needn't bother with all of that." Mary indicated to her evening attire. "I'll be too busy packing to think about going down to dinner."

"Packing my lady?"

"Yes, I'm going away Anna. The sooner the better I'm afraid."

"It seems very sudden," Anna said still trying to understand.

"Yes, well, no use delaying the inevitable." She knew that her maid suspected. There was no point in confirming or denying anything. She knew Anna wouldn't tell. Mary went to her wardrobe and began sorting through the dresses she would be taking with her. She probably wouldn't be taking any evening gowns to Keswick as she'd be confined to the house for most of her time there. She looked sadly at her new cream dress that she had yet to wear. Perhaps she would at least take that one. Mama or Papa might visit her so she would need one or two evening dresses although definitely not the red one. Not that they would fit for much longer. Mary took an armful of dresses from the armoire.

"Slow down my lady, and let me help you."

"I can't slow down Anna. I need to leave." Mary could feel the tears prickling in her eyes.

"I know that you do my lady, but why so quickly?"

"Because," she paused before answering. "He looked at me as though he wanted to kiss me. If we don't leave now I might do the dishonorable thing as ask him to marry me." She dropped the dresses in her arms on the bed and burst into tears. Anna touched her back with a comforting gesture.

"Who wanted to kiss you? Mr. Crawley?" Anna spoke with some confusion. Mary nodded and let out another sob. Anna rubbed her back in soothing circles "It'll be alright my lady."

"Oh I-" Mary stopped herself. "It doesn't matter Anna. He's too good for me now."

"Let him be the judge of that!"

Mary shook her head sadly. "I couldn't . I couldn't bear to have him think ill of me."

Anna could see that there was no use in arguing with Lady Mary, and put a hand on her shoulder. "I'll go and see about having your luggage brought down."

"Thank you Anna." Mary covered Anna's hand and gave it a quick grasp before her maid left her alone to think. Mary collapsed onto the bed to sob.


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: I don't own Downton Abbey or its wonderful inhabitants. I only wish I did. No copyright infringement is intended._

_A/N: I just want to thank everyone, again, for the reviews, favourites, and alerts! Once again like to thank __**OrangeShipper**__ for her hand holding and grammar_ _policing which have been both necessary and amazingly helpful! _

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><p>Matthew walked through the woods of Downton marvelling at their beauty. It was the middle of the night, and there was no breeze. No heat or chill. It was odd. He saw her standing there in a beautiful cream gown. Her hair was running down her back and she was barefoot. He couldn't imagine a lovelier sight. She was ethereal standing in the middle of a clearing, looking up at the night sky. The stars above were very vivid. Almost like a painting. She was clearly mesmerized and didn't look down at his presence.<p>

"What are you thinking about?" He said trying to get her to look him. She continued looking at the sky.

"I feel cold." She stated. He moved behind her and put his arms around her.

"Now how do you feel?" He knew how he felt to be with her. Glorious.

"Empty." He moved her gently around in his arms to face him. Her gaze moved down slightly, now looking in his eyes. He searched her eyes for consent before he brought his mouth down on hers. He felt her mouth respond to his, move with his. His hands roamed over hear back and through the lush brown silk that was her hair. It was like nothing he had ever touched before. Soft, smooth, thick, and seemingly un-ending. She was the kind of woman that inspired artists to paint great masterpieces.

Gently he broke the kiss and pressed his forehead to hers. He wanted, no needed to know how she felt. "And how do you feel now?" He said managing to break away long enough to look into her eyes.

She ran her hands down his arm and clasped his fingers in hers and moved them towards her abdomen. "Full and warm," She said simply looking into his eyes.

He looked at her hands and then back to her eyes as if they held a clue to her movement of his hands over her stomach. "What do you mean?" he uttered still enthralled by her, but slightly confused by her actions.

She smiled at him. His hands were still on her stomach. She moved in between his hands so that she was in his embrace once again. He put his hands on the small of her back as she moved her hands up his chest kissing her way up his neck before allowing her lips to hover precariously over his ear. He could feel her hot breath on his neck and ear lobe. She whispered something very softly in his ear.

"What was that?" he said almost breathlessly.

She whispered louder. "It's time to wake up Matthew."

"What?" he said withdrawing from her slightly to look at her properly.

"Matthew," she said shaking him lightly. "Matthew!"

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><p>Matthew awoke suddenly from his dream to find his mother standing over him. He'd fallen asleep at his desk in the study. Again. He'd been doing that quite a lot as of late. He'd dreamed of her most nights as well. Mary had left over a month ago and he couldn't quite shake her from his mind.<p>

"I see you've rather given up on your bed. Shall I have Molesley get rid of it all together?"

"I was working late and fell asleep at my desk."

Isobel viewed him skeptically crossing her arms. "You've had quite a few late nights lately haven't you."

"It can't be helped. I'm swamped at work." He answered almost convincingly.

"You've only been up to the Abbey once in the past month. It's rather rude to keep refusing invitations you know."

"I've told you work has been very hectic as of late."

"So that's the reason for your moping is it?" Isobel gave Matthew one of her no nonsense stares that even as an adult shamed him.

"I haven't been moping." He replied.

"You have been. I won't pretend that I don't know why, but don't you think it's time stop sulking about?"

"Oh please." Honestly, he was a grown man, he didn't have to take this from his own mother.

"No, I'm sorry. I won't have it. Now we've been invited up to the house tonight."

"I really can't-"

"I've already told them that you've cleared your schedule. You could do with an evening out of the house." She stated firmly.

"There's no need to treat me like a child!" he exclaimed hopelessly.

"There is when you're acting like one. Now, we're expected by seven, so I'll tell Molesley to prepare your evening attire." Isobel went for the door before Matthew could answer.

Matthew huffed on the inside for a moment before deciding to concede. He knew that his mother would never relent when she truly wanted something. "Very well, but I won't promise to enjoy myself." He spoke after her exit.

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><p>In spite of himself Matthew was enjoying his night. Or at least he was trying. Everything had seemed as it had been before, polite conversation, a few more-than-colourful remarks from Cousin Violet. Even his younger cousins seemed in fine spirits although Edith was dropping hint after hint about wanting to visit some more churches with him. Perhaps he ought to give her another try. It wasn't that she wasn't pretty. It was simply that… It was simply that she wasn't Mary. No, he decided. He wouldn't encourage something that could never be for him. He made an excuse to escape for a moment under the pretense of going to the Library to look for a book.<p>

He hadn't really needed to borrow anything; he was simply looking for an escape. He looked at the books carefully before selecting The Count of Monte Cristo to look over. He went to Lord Grantham's desk to sit down and began thumbing through the pages when he noticed an envelope with Mary's name on it. He closed the book and set it down on the desk beside the envelope. He picked it up examining it. It was addressed to Mary, but what was this? Why was it addressed to Keswick? He stared at the envelope hard, wondering if it had been some sort of mistake. The letter didn't have a seal, perhaps he could open it. No of course he couldn't, that wouldn't be polite. He set the letter back down and searched for a spare piece of paper and pen. He quickly copied the address on the envelope onto the piece of paper – then hearing someone enter the room and slipped the piece of paper into his book.

"Ah there you are Matthew. Cousin Violet is leaving and she's offered to drop us on the way. Have you found what you were looking for?"

"Yes, I think I've found something very interesting. I'll just sign it out in the ledger. I'll meet you at the car Mother." Isobel nodded and left. Matthew moved towards the ledger and signed out the book he had no real interest in before exiting the library.

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><p>Matthew closed his eyes heavily, attempting to will them to shut before reluctantly opening them again. Of course he wasn't going to get any sleep on the sofa. He couldn't figure it out. Why had there been a letter for Mary addressed to a house in Keswick? She'd gone to America, hadn't she? Apparently not. Why did she leave in the first place? She was forced to go? And what she had said to him before she left… <em>"Oh Matthew, why do parents usually send their unmarried daughters away?" <em>he heard her voice repeat. He couldn't wrap his head around it. Why had she left and why had everyone lied about where she was going? Matthew sat up quickly, frustrated with himself, with her, with the whole damn situation!

"Matthew?" He heard his mother say. "Still awake?"

"Yes." He attempted to compose himself.

"I was up getting a glass of water and I saw the light." She said with obvious concern in her voice.

"I'm thinking." He said

Isobel surveyed her son carefully. Perhaps going to the house hadn't been such a good idea after all. She had thought that an evening out would be just the thing to break him out of his funk. Clearly it had just made it worse. She wished that he would talk to her!

"I'm sorry for making you go to dinner. Clearly you're going through something more serious than I thought."

"It's nothing." Matthew shook his head looking down at the book in his hands.

"It's not nothing. You've been up working most nights, working all day. I know that your job is demanding but it never used to come home with you so often." Isobel paused before deciding to continue carefully. "You seem so hurt of late. I wish you would talk to me as you did when you were young." Isobel smiled sadly at the thought of her little boy in pain. "But you're not a boy any longer. You're quite grown up, so I won't bother you." Isobel moved over to the chair he was sitting in and placed her hand on his shoulder gently. "I'm always here if you need me you know."

"I know," Matthew was conflicted. Should he tell Mother of his problem? Would she be able to help him?

Isobel moved her hand to squeeze his gently. She turned to walk away but was interrupted by Matthew.

"It's just that, well, it's Mary." He started reluctantly not daring to make eye contact.

Isobel turned around and moved to sit across from him. "Yes."

"She's been gone over a month but there's something not quite right about why she left."

Isobel looked perplexed. "I don't understand."

"It's just that…" Matthew paused. He was being ridiculous.

"Go on." He mustn't stop now, she thought helplessly.

"Well, the thing is, I can't work out why it is that Mary has gone away." He stared at the floor in front of him as he spoke.

"I thought it was to see her family in America or something." Isobel offered.

"That's what I thought as well." He paused. "I know I was being nosy, but in the Library I saw a letter on Lord Grantham's desk addressed to Mary."

"I'm afraid I don't follow."

"It was addressed to a house in Keswick."

Isobel shook her head. "Perhaps you misread the name."

"No, I don't think so. I copied the address down on a piece of paper." He said, opening his book and handing the piece of paper to his mother.

She surveyed the address, shook her head and handed it back to him. "I don't understand. Why would everyone say she was in America if she wasn't?"

"That's what I can't seem to wrap my head around."

Yes, her son was right. There was something not quite right about this. But she needed more information. Isobel stopped to think for a moment before proceeding carefully. "Did she say anything to you before she left?"

Matthew paused. He didn't want to tell his mother everything but clearly he hadn't been able to figure it out for himself. It was time to consult another person. "I saw her, just before she left, and asked her why she was going away. She replied that she wasn't going away, she was being sent away and why do parents usually send their unmarried daughters away. I'm afraid I didn't understand. What could it possibly mean?"

Isobel froze as soon as Matthew had told her. Mary was pregnant. It was all so clear to her. She was a nurse after all. How could Matthew not have worked it out? He was the son of a doctor and nurse, although, as clever as he was, he was still terribly naïve about some things. She looked up to see Matthew observing her with a concerned look.

"Mother what is it?" He saw that she had the look on her face that she got when she had solved a problem, except there was reluctance there.

Isobel didn't know what to say to him. Of course he hadn't seen it. He was in love with her and he couldn't bring himself to think anything bad of Mary. But now he had seen that she had worked it out. Was it her place to tell him? "I think it might be time for bed. You must be tired, I know I am."

"You have an idea, don't you?" He spoke quickly.

"Yes, I have an idea." She spoke resigned to the fact that she would have to tell him.

"Well for god's sake you must tell me!" he exclaimed. He'd been trying to work it out for weeks so if his mother had any idea he would make her tell him!

Isobel paused before proceeding. "It's a delicate thing Matthew, and I wouldn't want to make any false assumptions."

"Please Mother, whatever it is, whatever you know or think you know." He had to know.

Matthew looked at her with such pleading eyes. The same as when he was a child. She couldn't say no to her darling boy. Not when he was in such agony.

"From what you've said, and if it's true that Mary is really in Keswick, not America, it sounds like she's been sent away because she's in trouble."

"In trouble?" What did that mean?

She could see he didn't understand, it would be cruel to draw out his confusion. "It sounds like Mary is going to have a baby." Isobel saw the hurt expression on his face.

Matthew was astonished. It couldn't be true, could it? When, how could it have happened? He felt rather sick. He had wanted to know the truth, hadn't he? And now all he felt was pain. It had been staring him in the face though hadn't it? She had tried to tell him in an indirect way, he'd just been too thick to see it. What about his dreams? Him putting his hand on her stomach! He'd known, but had been too blinded by his feelings to notice!

He realized that he hadn't said anything for several moments before finally uttering, "I think I'd like to be alone now Mother."

"I may be wrong," she attempted to comfort him.

"Perhaps, but I don't think so." He could feel the tears prick his eyes. He definitely didn't want to blub in front of his mother.

"You could write her a letter." She could see that he was more upset and she wondered if she had done the right thing voicing her suspicions.

"What good could a letter do?" He snapped.

"It's a start isn't it?" She knew she didn't have the answers but he had to start somewhere.

Matthew shook his head. It wasn't enough. In a letter she could simply have time to refute his suspicions. "I need some time to think."

"Of course," she agreed. "It's a lot to take in."

He nodded. He saw her go to the door of the sitting room and turn around.

"Do try and get some sleep darling. You'll think more clearly after some rest."

"Thank you Mother, for telling me the truth." he spoke reluctantly catching her before she left the room.

She nodded and left Matthew with his thoughts.

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><p>Isobel rose in the early morning hoping that Matthew had gotten some decent sleep. She wasn't sure what he could even do about it all, but everything always seems clearer after some sleep. She rang for Ellen to come help her dress and went down to the dining room.<p>

"Good Morning, Mrs. Crawley." Molesley spoke at seeing her arrival.

"Good Morning Molesley. Do you know if my son is awake yet?" She hoped Matthew would be getting the rest he needed.

"Erm yes, I mean he is awake and dressed." He replied.

"Has he eaten?"

"He had some toast two hours ago."

Goodness, it was only just seven now. "Well do you know if he's left for work yet?" She saw Mosley give a confused expression before he spoke.

"He left Mrs. Crawley."

"What do you mean? Left to go into work?" She did wish Molesley would get to the point already. Sometimes he was almost too subservient for a servant.

"I don't know where he's gone, but he's taken a packed bag with him." Molesley suddenly remembered the note that Mr. Crawley had given him and removed it note from his pocked "He asked me to give you this." Molesley said handing Isobel a letter. Isobel grabbed the letter and tore it open.

"Good lord!" She exclaimed. "He's gone after her, that silly man!"

"Gone after who, Mrs. Crawley?" Molesley asked confused about what the Mistress was referring to.

Isobel put the letter down. So, he was going after Mary! She didn't know whether to be disappointed at his impulsiveness of her usually sensible child, or impressed by it! "Never mind. Thank you Molesley." She said trying to be civil again. She folded the note and went to the side board to serve herself some breakfast. Her son was a grown man, she sighed to herself, and he must be allowed to make his own decisions. Even if those decisions had consequences for him in the long term.


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N: I would like to thank everyone who has reviewed, favorited, and messaged me in support of this story! I am so overwhelmed by your support and I love hearing what you all think! I have to admit that this chapter in particular has been a challenge to write. I had the bulk of it written a month ago but something about it kept nagging at me, so I hope you'll forgive the delay. Once again I would like to thank my lovely beta Orangeshipper for all of the extra hand holding and proof reading. As well, I would like to extend an extra thanks to Eolivet for her notes regarding this chapter as well! I couldn't have posted this without either of these fine ladies! Enjoy!_

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><p>Chapter 6<p>

Matthew was exhausted. The journey to Keswick had been an exercise in patience. He had to change trains three times in order to get him to the nearest train station to Keswick, only to discover that it was still fifteen miles away and that the address he had written down, while listed as being in Keswick, was another five or so miles from the town. It had been difficult to find someone willing to drive him given the fact that it was a Sunday but he had eventually managed to convince a man with a wagon to give him a lift to Keswick and then convinced another older woman who lived beside the lake to take him as far as she could. She had also given him good directions on how to get to Crawley Cottage.

He felt his heart speed up at the prospect of seeing Mary, but instead of increasing his pace towards her he slowed it. He was conflicted. It wasn't as though she had betrayed him in taking a lover. There was only ever the hint of something between them. Still. There was the dull ache in his chest when he thought of it all. He loved her, even though he had never dared broach the subject with her. What right did he have to feel hurt and betrayed? What right did he have to go traipsing across the country and appear on her doorstep demanding an explanation? Why had he done it? What did he mean by coming here and confronting her? Did he intend to interrogate her? To marry her? He couldn't help what he was feeling. He couldn't calm the nonstop train of thoughts running through his brain. Why he'd felt that he had the right to find out why. Another thought went through his mind. What must she be going through? A woman, even a well off one would surely still face the life time of trials, raising a child alone. Well perhaps not alone. It was all so unclear.

He walked along the road towards a grey stone covered house that he supposed must be the one. He could certainly see why one would choose to live here. It was very picturesque. Although the cottage appeared to be large it was really rather a modest house. He reached an iron gate with a small wooden sign that read Crawley Cottage. Feeling a renewed sense of purpose at having finally reaching his destination he walked swiftly to the door. He raised his hand to the brass handle and knocked three times and stood back to wait. The door opened a few inches and a rather young fair haired woman peeked out from behind it.

"Yes?" she said rather hesitantly.

"Good afternoon. Is Lady Mary at home?"

"Who may I say is asking, sir?"

"Matthew Crawley. I'm a cousin of hers from home. I was just passing through and thought I would pay her a call."

"Oh, well she don't get very many visitors 'sides the doctor and the reverend."

"I see." Matthew said awkwardly. He didn't quite know how to advance the situation. "Is she here?" he spoke at last.

"Oh yes, sir, she's here. Well not exactly here, in the house I mean. She's round t'back in the garden I expect." the girl smiled daftly neither offering to invite him in or lead him to her.

There was an awkward silence between them. "Well," he said at last "I think I'll go around back to find her then – if that's alright?"

"Oh yes, sir."

Matthew stood holding his bag awkwardly. "Would it be alright if I brought my bag inside? It's rather heavy and I'm not sure how long I will be."

"Oh I'm so sorry Mr. Crawley I should have thought to take it sooner." The maid said reaching for his bag.

"Thank you ... "

"Abigail, sir."

"Thank you Abigail. Should I go this way to get to the garden" he said indicating to his right.

"Yes." She nodded and gave a shy smile.

What an odd girl he thought. She was clearly too young to be the house keeper. She must be a housemaid or ladies maid.

He walked around the modest stone house along a worn path came through a clearing and he saw her in profile sitting on a bench looking down at her book. He stopped to survey her. All of the hurt, tiredness, and contemplation melted the instant he saw her. She looked out from her book as though somewhat startled. His heart clenched. Had she seen him? He relaxed. It didn't seem as though she had. He saw her close her book and place a hand over her abdomen as she closed her eyes. Her head jerked up sharply as though in the grips of an intense thought and he saw her bring a hand up to her face as if to wipe a tear away. The reality of her situation began to kick in for him. And the reality of his. It was all very real now and he knew what he must do.

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><p>Mary was sitting in the garden reading when she felt it again. She placed her hand over her stomach feeling the strange fluttering again. It had been happening on and off for most of the afternoon. Although she had felt sick and tired all the time she had been in somewhat disbelief that there was actually something growing inside her. She hadn't known what the strange fluttering even was until she had mentioned it to . Between the fluttering and the slight curve that began to form, which for the most part was not noticeable to anyone else, she was rather starting to feel the reality of her situation. She had already commissioned a new wardrobe from the local dress maker in anticipation of her eventual increase but now that she could feel it, him, her, everything was starting to feel very real. She closed her book, covered her stomach with her hands, and closed her eyes. An overwhelming thought enveloped her. The feeling that she might never be truly alone again. She felt a tear slip out of her eye and removed a hand to attempt to catch it before resolutely deciding that it must be time to go in for tea. She got up from the bench and began walking towards the house. Raising her eyes from the ground, she saw him. They locked eyes instantly and there was a wordless understanding between them. He was here, which meant that he knew. There would be no retreating now. No coy smiles, no flippant remarks. He was here, and she knew that there were no secrets between them any longer, save the eventual question of paternity. Simultaneous fear and relief washed over her.<p>

"Hello." She eventually managed to utter.

He looked at her as though somewhat in a daze before shaking his head and uttering back "Hello."

They stood again in a silent stand-off, each waiting for the other to break the silence between them and speak. Matthew was the first to break their silence.

"I rang the bell and your maid told me where to find you. She seems, er, pleasant." Matthew nervously stammered.

"Yes, well..." She stated still frozen to the spot. She didn't know what else to say. "I'll tell Mrs. McCaskill to expect another for dinner. Would you like some tea? I would." She finally gathered up the courage to move and brushed past him quickly. He stood there a moment dumb struck before following her into the house.

* * *

><p>Neither of them dressed for dinner, Matthew because he had tried to pack light and Mary because trying to put on a corset in order to fit into her evening gowns was an increasingly difficult affair. They talked easily about their family, about his work, the weather, about anything really except for… except for what they both longed but feared to talk about. Matthew had felt relieved when Mary had suggested that they go through to the sitting room. A stern looking lady who turned out to be the housekeeper came into the room to ask if there was anything else that they required for the evening. Mary politely declined and gave instructions that she and Mr. Crawley were not to be disturbed. There was a slight look of disapproval that Matthew could see cross the older woman's face as she acquiesced to her employers request shutting the French doors behind her.<p>

"I'm afraid she quite disapproves of me." Mary said with a smile. "Naturally I don't blame her."

"I see. Well now that we are alone, shall we stop avoiding the elephant in the room-"

"I hardly think I'm as big as an elephant … yet." She saw him smile at her before frowning and nervously stare at his hands as though attempting to compose his thoughts. "How much do you know?"

"Know? Almost nothing." He shook his head.

"But you suspect. Otherwise you wouldn't have come."

"Yes." he made himself look up at her.

"What gave me away?" she said, holding his gaze for a moment before looking away.

"I saw a letter on your Father's desk addressed to here instead of America… Mother helped me to, well, work out the rest."

She nodded. "Your mother knows?" Mary hadn't been expecting that. Of course she hadn't expected him to come at all but here he was. "Papa has been very good about it all. He could have cast me off or actually sent me to America. Instead he sent me to his vacation house. He's been very kind."

"Yes." Matthew nodded in agreement. "I'd never heard of this house before."

"Nor I. We've never been here. I think it might have been his mistress's house. Before Mama of course. There's a few rather garishly decorated bedrooms, so one can only assume."

He was losing his nerve. Matthew saw the book in front of her and indicated at it. "I saw your book as we were coming in earlier. You're still reading Tess of the D'urbervilles." He knew that he was skirting around the subject but he just couldn't … not yet.

"Yes I am, well, rereading." Mary began to nervously play with her necklace. She wished he would just come out with it!

"And how are you getting on again?" He could see that she was as nervous as he was as soon as she began to play with her necklace.

"Oh well enough. She is very misunderstood. I like her and goodness knows that I could use a friend…"

"God Mary, Why torture yourself with it?" Matthew burst out suddenly getting up and walking to the window staring out of it.

Mary smiled. "On the contrary, I find myself comforted by it."

"But how can you?" He said turning back to face her. He was baffled as she managed to look almost serene.

"Although my situation might be unfortunate, it's not as tragic as it could be. I'll continue to live here throughout my confinement with no one" Mary glanced at him "Save you and my parents, ever to know. Tess had to bear the shame of the entire village judging her for her attack. I simply have to bear myself."

Matthew swallowed and without thinking uttered, "Good god Mary, rape? I hadn't realised-"

"It wasn't rape, exactly," she spoke cutting him off. She couldn't look at him. He couldn't stop looking her.

"Not rape exactly? Then what was it?" She could see that Matthew was getting rather agitated.

Mary indicated for Matthew to sit down again. Taking a moment to compose himself he sat down once again in front of her. She paused before meeting Matthew's tortured gaze. She continued, "When he came into my room that night… I was completely shocked, and asked him to leave. He confronted me with the reality that if I called for anyone I would be quite ruined. And then he started to..." Mary trailed off remembering his touch that, while not altogether unpleasant, just wasn't... right. She continued, "I won't pretend that it was rape when a part of me was willing. But…" Mary stopped, attempting to find the right words. "I didn't have all of the facts of what was to happen, and then… Well it seemed a bit late to stop so I just let him-"

"The bastard!" Matthew cried out suddenly.

"Keep quiet, Mrs. McCaskill will hear you."

"I don't care if she does hear me!" He could see Mary's look of distress and so used every ounce of control to take his tone down. "It was rape if you wanted him to stop. Any man worth anything would stop at the slightest sign, not that I've…The point is, he should never have continued if there was the slightest bit of hesitation from you at any point."

"Please!" Mary said. "I've made my peace with it the best I can. It's over. There's no point in dwelling on it."

"But it's not over, is it?" Matthew said briefly glancing at her stomach.

"I suppose you mean the baby. No, it's not over. Never mind what led to it, him, her is happening. Mary touched her stomach lightly. "I must bear it the best I can. And so must you. It's not as though you can challenge him to a duel. You've already won." Mary smiled at him. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair and flashed a reluctant smile back.

Matthew paused for a moment, attempting to find the right words. "What will you do Mary?" Matthew said edging forward in his chair and clasping his hands together.

"I don't know exactly. Have it, and then, who knows? I'm not very maternal."

"Mary of course you-"

"No, it's true, I'm not. It might be easier to let another family raise it and go on with my life." She paused in contemplation of that fact attempting to look out of the window to her right.

"But then you might want to keep it." Matthew said softly. It was almost a plea. His tone of voice made her stop and look at him.

"Hmmm." Mary looked down and away from his gaze contemplatively. "I don't know really. Stranger things have happened, I suppose…" Mary moved to get up. "I assume you'll be staying the night."

"I hadn't thought really-"

"Of course you will. It's late, and there's not a decent inn close. Besides, it's not as though my reputation can be damaged more." Mary paused. "I suppose you'll need to be back at work soon."

"That hasn't really been decided. I sent word to the firm I was dealing with a family affair that might require my attention for a few days."

"Well then, I suppose I should show you to your room. I've had the Yellow Room made up for you. It's the least garish of the rooms, though you might still be shocked by it." Mary joked.

"That's very kind." He spoke. She shook her head lifting a lamp before turning to leave the room. Matthew moved to follow her. She led him up the stairs to the second door on the right and opened the door and walked inside. There was a dark four poster bed in the middle of the room with yards of contrasting yellow fabric festooned in a canopy above the bed with gold trim and several tassels attached at each corner of the bed.

She saw the quizzical look on his face." I did warn you." She teased before flashing a smile at him. "You must be tired from your journey. "

"Yes. I'm sure that it doesn't matter what a bed looks like as long as there is one." Matthew suddenly realised the impropriety of their situation. They were in his room alone, and talking of beds. He blushed slightly and coughed slightly to break the tension of it all.

"Well, I'll leave the lamp. They'll have lit a fire in my room anyway." Mary spoke at last, "I'm going to bed. I suggest you do the same." She began to walk towards the door but paused and turned around to face him.

"Yes, what is it."

"You should go home Matthew." She said gently. "There's nothing that can be done for me. I'm Tess of the D'urbervilles to your Angel Clare. And we both know what happened to them." Mary left the room without another word, leaving Matthew to brood in her wake.

Exasperated, Matthew went to his bag which lay on a trunk at the end of his bed. He pulled his night shirt from the bag and placed it on the bed. Hastily he undressed, folding his clothing as he went, and put the night shirt over his head. He allowed himself to collapse under the garish yellow canopy. At least the bed was serviceable. He moved to go under the covers and tried to sleep. He really was very tired. He couldn't help but think of how his life had changed in the past 48 hours. But of everything that had happened it was Mary's parting words that stuck with him. He huffed before speaking his frustrations a loud.

"Angel Clare, indeed! Well, we shall have to see about that." With that he turned out the lamp beside his bed, rolled over and attempted to sleep firm in his resolve that he would have to find a way to make Mary his wife.


	7. Chapter 7

_A/N: I would like to say thank you, once again for the overwhelming support for my story. Your reviews, messages, and story favourites mean the world to me, so please keep them coming! _

_I've had quite a few messages regarding why the story hasn't been updated in a while. The reason the story hasn't been updated since July is because I recently got married, went on my honeymoon for three weeks. I also participated in Nanowrimo, which I'm happy to say I managed to do the 50,000 words!_

_I'd also like to thank Orangeshipper and EOlivet for the polish on this chapter!_

_Enjoy!_

* * *

><p>Chapter 7<p>

Mary had been lying in bed for hours staring up at the ceiling. She had mercifully been granted a few hours of sleep but had awoken just before dawn to find that she wasn't able to return to sleep. She still couldn't understand it, why had he come? He could have simply written her a letter, so why travel all this way? What did he think he could do exactly? Did he mean to marry her in some misguided attempt to uphold the family honor? She dismissed the thought. What possible benefit could there be for him to take on a fallen woman such as herself? Family, or not, she was quite ruined. She sighed, flung the covers off and rang for Abigail.

When Mary came downstairs she was surprised to see Matthew conversing with Mrs. McCaskill. He stopped when he saw her and smiled. Her heart jumped a little at his smile but caught herself before she flashed an equally big one back.

"And what were you two conspiring about?" He was up to something, she was sure of it.

"Conspiring? Oh, nothing like that. She was just helping me to arrange a couple of things, that's all. Have you eaten?"

"No."

"I hope you don't mind but I was famished so I asked for a full breakfast to be brought for the two of us."

"Well, you're in luck. I've been recently able to stomach eggs again," she said as she led the way to the dining room. "How did you sleep?"

"Fine, thank you. The bed was comfortable enough." He hadn't slept well. The bed had been comfortable that was true, but he had tossed and turned most of the night until he'd woke very early this morning, plagued with thoughts on how to proceed with Mary.

Their breakfasts were brought out by Abigail who smiled at Mary as usual, but got a little bit rosier when she gave Matthew his food. Mary frowned at the girl's obvious attraction to him. What could she do? It's not as though they were husband and wife. She didn't have the right to be upset at an innocent girl's attraction to her father's heir. They ate in silence, neither knowing what to say.

"I thought we might go into town. I'm afraid I didn't see much when I was passing through." He spoke at last.

"I suppose it'd be alright. I have some letters to post."

"Excellent, shall we say half an hour?"

"That should be fine." She got up from the table and walked back upstairs.

* * *

><p>Thirty minutes later she came down the stairs having added a hat, gloves, a hand bag and rather large coat to her ensemble. Matthew ushered her outside to the cart that he'd somehow managed to procure.<p>

"You must be joking," she said.

"Your housekeeper was kind enough to lend it to me."

"I'm not sure that kind is the word." She spoke, looking incredulously at the conveyance before her.

"Where's your sense of adventure?"

"I think I've been adventurous enough for one lifetime."

"What's one more adventure?" He smiled and held out his hand to help her up to the cart. Mary looked at it and then him before grudgingly placing her hand in his and allowing him to help her.

They drove for a few miles and came to a crossroads where Matthew turned left.

"Isn't the town the other way?" She said looking behind the cart at the crossroads.

"I believe it is yes." Matthew replied resisting the urge to look at her and continuing to look at the road up ahead.

"What about my letters?" She said clutching her handbag. Really, she had wanted them to be posted today.

"Well I did say I would take you into town, I simply neglected to specify when exactly."

"I knew you were up to something." Mary arched a suspicious eyebrow at him.

"I can't imagine what you mean." he tried not to smile at her admission but found that it was impossible. He smiled in spite of his resolve and glanced at her only to notice that she was doing the same.

He was teasing her. It was all very vexing. She didn't like to be teased but she couldn't very well let him beat her at a game she was practically an expert in.

"So where are we going then?" Mary said, attempting to recover some composure by changing the subject.

"It's a surprise." He had given up on hiding his amusement at Mary's lack of control over the present circumstances.

"You won't tell me?" she said catching his eye briefly and smiling at him.

He turned his head to look forward again, but couldn't help the barest trace of a smile that remained. "I won't." he replied firmly.

Mary was slightly vexed. Any other man would have snapped like a twig under her efforts. She could see that he was almost as stubborn as she was. She supposed she would have been disappointed if he had relented. He was a lawyer after all and it was his job to argue things successfully. She would need to use every trick she possessed if she was going to figure out where they were going. And why.

"Well, perhaps I'll get out then." She replied sitting up straighter, as though she were thinking of dismounting from the carriage. Surely he wouldn't want to risk her walking alone on a country road.

Matthew slowed down the cart. "Well?" He looked her tilting his head as if to question her. He hoped he had done the right thing by calling her bluff. He certainly couldn't picture her actually getting out but then he could never predict how she would behave in any given situation. Perhaps that's what he found so intriguing about her.

Mary searched his face, trying to determine if he would actually let her get down from the carriage. His eyes were steady but she could see the hint of a smile on his lips. She suspected that he wouldn't, but then, she never thought that he could ever turn up here. Perhaps he wasn't the man she thought he was. And she was curious to see where he was taking her. She'd wanted to explore the area, but being a woman who was in a certain condition had limited her activities.

"Oh very well." she conceded, doing her best to display her annoyance at his refusal to back down. When it came down to it however, she was secretly pleased at his opposition of her.

They drove a few more miles down the road. Matthew looked confused for a moment.

"We're lost, aren't we?"

"I'm just looking for…" Matthew glanced to his left and in the distance spotted a field with some stones in the distance. "Ah there we are." Matthew drove up the carriage close to a stone fence and a tree before dismounting and tying the reigns to the nearby tree. He came around to the other side in time to see Mary attempting to get down from her seat.

"Let me help you," he offered his hand, but she refused to take it.

"No it's alright."

"Please." He made eye contact with her and she knew he was very serious.

"Very well," she said grudgingly holding out her hand.

"I didn't realise how high it was. I think you'd better place your arms around my neck." He flushed suddenly, realising what it might sound like. "To be safe of course, for the child."

"I suppose for safety's sake." She placed her hands at the base of his neck. He took his hands and placed them under her knees and she felt panic rise within her. "What are you doing?" Before she could protest he scooped her up into his embrace. She stared up at him in shock momentarily until she noticed him looking at her. She looked into his beautiful blue eyes lost, before realising that he hadn't put her down. She was in his arms and something about it felt very right. Being in his arms like this. But then again, she had been in his arms like that once before. This must have been what it was like on that day when she'd discovered her condition. When he'd carried her back to the house after she'd fainted.

Feeling slightly embarrassed about still being in his arms she decided to prompt him. "Matthew?"

"Right, sorry." He put her down. He'd gotten lost in her eyes and had indulged himself in a few extra moments of having her in his arms.

She smoothed out the small creases in her dress while Matthew went to the back of the cart to grab a large basket.

"Thought we could make a picnic out of it."

"I'm still not entirely sure what 'it' is."

"You'll see." He walked across the road from the carriage and she followed.

"I'm not sure what there could be to see in the middle of a farmer's field." She stopped and surveyed the large stone circle before them.

"It's quite something isn't it?"

"I, I don't know what to say."

"It's called Castlerigg."

"How did you know about this place?"

"I'd read about it at school. When I realised it wasn't far, I thought we could make an outing of it."

"I hope we aren't trespassing. I should hate to be ushered off some farmer's land by his shotgun."

"It was purchased by the National Trust recently I believe."

"That's alright then I suppose. Let's find a place to sit. Perhaps inside the circle, to get the best view-"

"Apparently it's considered bad luck to enter the circle."

"I'm not superstitious." Mary said defiantly before acquiescing. "Still perhaps it's better if we don't tempt fate. You remember what happened to Tess when she entered the circle at Stonehenge."

They walked over to the outer edge of the circle Matthew set the blanket down. Mary sat down facing away from the stones and towards the hills, with her legs tucked neatly under her to one side. Matthew preferred a more informal pose of sitting with his legs in front of him. They enjoyed their feast of cold baked ham, bread, butter and lemonade in silence. After they were finished Matthew reclined back and shut his eyes, to enjoy the sun shining down on them. Mary remained in her previous posture choosing instead to take this opportune moment to observe Matthew without his notice.

She had thought perhaps he might say whatever it was he had to say to her as soon as the meal had finished but instead he was lounging around casually. She was being remarkably patient, waiting for him to say whatever it was that he had to say. Although, it was rather hard to stay annoyed when he looked so handsome stretched out on the blanket beside her. His blond hair was slightly dishevelled and he had a small smile of contentment on his face

"What is it?" he said not bothering to open his eyes.

Mary had reached her limit in the game they were playing. It was all very well for him to simply appear at her home and inquire about the details of her personal life and declare his indignation for Pamuk, but what was the end of it? "Will you tell me the real reason you've come yet?" Mary spoke,

"Would you believe a relaxing holiday?" He spoke happily, eyes still closed.

"No."

It was clear that he would have to make his case to her without haste. She could only withstand his teasing for so long it seemed. "Then I'm not sure what I can tell you."

He was mildly infuriating, evading all her questions. "Just the truth," she replied.

Mary's forthrightness was always a little disarming for Matthew. She had her grandmother to thank for that, he was sure.

"It's difficult." He replied not knowing how to begin. How did one begin to propose?

"Telling the truth?" She challenged.

"Finding the right words." He took a deep breath in. He knew that the time had come, and he was nervous. He had no idea how she would react to his proposal, even given her current situation and it was entirely nerve-wracking!

Oh lord, he was really going to propose. She had thought he might but she hadn't prepared herself enough for it. "It's alright. You really needn't say anything-." Mary shook her head.

"You don't even know what I'm about to say." Did she know what he was about to say? He had tried to keep some mystery about it, but he supposed that given her situation and his sudden appearance and spontaneity, well she wasn't a fool.

"Don't I?" Mary managed to bring herself to look him in the eyes. "Oh Matthew, you are such a good man, a kind man, an infinitely better man than the one I let..." Mary dropped her head and turned away looking at the hills before her.

He didn't feel that way at all. He had to make her see. He couldn't let her make up her mind before he had even gotten the question out. "I know what you must think of yourself, but it isn't true, I know it isn't true. I've watched and admired you from a far, since the moment I met you."

She looked at him incredulously but said nothing. She had thought that perhaps he might have had feelings for her since his arrival in the village, but she was quite taken off guard by their intensity.

"I know we didn't see eye to eye at first-"

"You mean I didn't-"

"I mean we didn't. Before I had even met you I judged you and your sisters as some empty headed girls who were out to get a rich husband-"

"Well that's still true in Edith's case." Mary replied smiling.

Matthew smiled at her joke but he wouldn't let it deter him. He knew if he didn't continue now he'd lose his nerve. "Within moments of meeting you all of my notions of a spoiled shallow rich girl were shattered. I fell in love with you from the moment I saw you. Your fire, your spirit, your wit, your passion and your beauty. I know that perhaps you don't feel the same-"

"Matthew-"

"It's alright. And I will admit that the thought of you, with him, well it stings. And I would be lying if I said that your condition didn't enter into my consideration, but the fact remains that I think we could have a chance of real happiness together. This situation may have moved things along, but it doesn't change my feelings for you. Please, tell me you'll consent to be my wife."

She surveyed him. There was only truth in his expression. He looked at her as no man had ever looked at her. Spoke to her as no man had ever spoken. There was such a passionate honesty to his words, his looks, his very being. To be loved by such a man was truly overwhelming. Tears filled her eyes as she beheld him. If this had been four months ago she would have laughed at him for such romantic nonsense. Everything was altered. Everything was heightened and she now saw him with different eyes. Not as the foolish honorable boy she had thought him to be for wanting to marry her, but the man in front of her who wanted to be her husband. She tried to make words form in her mouth, but she couldn't. She took both hands and began cupping his face before placing her hands in his thick lovely blond hair.

Taking her affectionate gesture as a sign, he closed the small gap between them and brought his mouth gently down on hers. Their mouths softly pressed to each other with a light rhythm before Matthew hesitantly broke away, pressing his forehead to hers.

"Is that a yes?" He managed to breathe.

She hadn't known for certain what she was going to say to him, until he had kissed her and could physically feel what he couldn't possibly express in words. He might not be everything she had always envisioned in a husband, but his kiss had certainly proved that their marriage would be more than one of convenience. They had as good a shot at a happy life as any other pair contemplating marriage. And so she gave him her answer.

"Yes Matthew, it's a yes."

He brought his mouth down on hers again. She responded to his kiss. This might not be the life she had envisioned for herself, or the right marriage, but there was a chance of a life with him. More than a chance now.


End file.
